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Getting home every day to cry yourself to sleep

Wipe off the smile you’ve been wearing to the outside world 
Forget all of what encouragement you’ve been given

Start thinking of how it used to be, 

Picturing the moment when you first met him,

Remembering the first kiss, the cute conversations, that smile no one else earned but you 


The fights, the make up’s sometimes just knowing someone was always there for you. 

That hug that would tell me nothing would be wrong in your arms 

- All gone

damn. This takes me back

Light reflects,
The darkened moon tonight,
Your make-up smeared across your face tells me,
You’re not fine,
Just a line that you recite,
I can see that,
Tears falling down give no answer,
Seems you don’t even know who you are,
Someone take her home away from here.

You just sit there quiet with your fake smile,
Don’t tell me, don’t tell me,
Everything’s alright and you’re happy,
Is it something you can’t say,
I’ll stay all night,
So tell me, so tell me,
What is there to hide?
I’m with you.

A hundred reasons why,
I can see it in your eyes,
Somethings wrong with you,
Always in denial,
Can it really be that bad?
Being who you are?
And tears falling down give no answer,
Seems you don’t even know who you are,
Someone take her home away from here.

cry

I’ve cried every day wishing, thinking, dreaming but unable
I seriously don’t know what to do with myself.
I cry to forget, but your brain never truly forgets, ever.
Memories that reach my head pull me down into a new low, a darker place than before.
I refuse to make decisions, I refuse to seek help. Because I can’t trust
But sometimes it’s easy to get sidetracked, and smile in front of people, - this means you don’t have to explain yourself as a depressed  and forgotten person.
 I just wait until I’m home, and I can reveal myself in full shame;

shame that I can’t be stronger, 
shame I’m not that person people are expecting me to be,

shame I can’t …. I just can’t.

I’ve just turned 17, people have told me ‘it’s the most important age i’ll want to be back in’
I’ve thought long and hard, and I really don’t want to come back to this, or anything in the past. I want to move forward with life, a place where I can relax, move on, I have many dreams to make true. 

I can look through my childhood and pick every piece I did wrong, and every speck that affected me. I have a lot of stories, thinking about them is making me want to crawl into a ball on my bed and sob into my pillow through morning.

I just hope things get better.There is always hope. 

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